Christmas is here.

I think I might be finally getting it, after all these years.

Christmas isn't about recreating the same memories that I had as a kid. Or recreating a magazine cover.

It's remembering some old traditions -- and some new -- while creating new memories for us as a family. I've known this. I've just not lived like it for...pretty much all of our married life. Each year I feel like I've been on a mission to mimic - to mimic the Christmases I remembered as a child. And each year I've packed away the boxes feeling a little empty. Not this year.

I really love what Christmas means. I love that the meaning is steeped in a core belief of our lives - that Christ came as a baby to pay atonement for our sin. And I love the traditions created throughout the world that have expanded the celebration into a meaningful time to spend with family and friends. I love bells, silver, red ribbons, cookies, pine, snow, lights, music, and those little nonpareil mints that only come around once a year. I love that life seems simpler at Christmas. That everything is better after a rousing snowball fight or evening in front of the fire with hot cocoa in hand listening to christmas music. I love sappy Christmas movies.

And so this year, I'm doing things a bit different. The girls helped me start decorating this morning. (I usually decorate at night when I don't have two little elves helping.) I let them decide where to hang a bunch of the items. And now we have ornaments decking out all of our door handles. I don't think I would have thought of it on my own, but Lydia thought it was a great idea, and I heartily agree. It was so much more meaningful to actually engage them in the process of decking out the house, and we made some fun memories too. (Lydia got a bell ornament (the one in the background of this photo) stuck on her finger.)

I love that they're the ornaments that my Grandma Horvath made for us before she passed away. They're made out of tatted lace, an heirloom craft that she passed down to me when I was little. One of these days I'm going to bring out my shuttles and continue the tradition by teaching Lydia and Millie. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy looking at them when I pass through the hallway of our home each day this Christmas season, remembering Grandma Horvath, and the sweet lessons I'm learning from my kids.

of house & home

So Sam opened his used furniture store this weekend - House & Home in downtown Hyden. We coincided the opening with the big Mary Breckinridge Festival this weekend, and the turnout was great! It was very well-received - sales were great and he even has a waiting list for people looking for specific items. About 1/3 of the pieces in the store had "sold" marked on them by the end of the day. The focus is on unique used antique and older furniture that we can resell at very reasonable prices; very important for our town. I'm excited that Sam has something that he's excited about, and we ALL hope it continues to go well.

a few more.

fall.

Lydia's been telling everyone who will listen: "my mommy loves fall. but I love SNOW!" I really think she thinks it's a season. Yesterday was a traditional fall "day in the leaves" spent sliding down the big slide into a pile of leaves. Can you tell who takes after the Baer side and gets hot in cool, breezy 60 degree weather, stripping down to a tank top? ;)

our circus.

Lydia's big request on Friday was to have a circus - she wanted to be a princess, and we decided that Millie would be a frog or whatever the towel-like outfit we had for Millie was. They had a blast - we marched around the house playing musical instruments; it was priceless. Lydia kept helping with Millie's hood, but Millie was less than thrilled with it!

the grand experiment.

I really wanted to put up tomato sauce this year. We grew up canning and eating homemade sauce, and I loved it. We also grew our own tomatoes - lots of them.

My garden was pretty much a flop this year; I didn't realize before we moved up to our house that the spot I had plotted didn't get morning sun. And most plants need a healthy amount of sun. So we got all of 3 tomatoes - definitely not enough for much of anything. So last weekend I went to the farmers markets and got some tomatoes to sauce. I started with half a bushel and cooked them down, then pureed with a foley food mill. The results were less than exciting - more watery mess than anything, and when I put the "tomato juice" back on the stove to reduce it to sauce, I only ended up with about 2 and a half quarts by the end of the process. Not to be defeated, I turned to google, like I do with most perplexing questions. I found that quite a few people were having success by roasting tomatoes that had been cored, along with garlic. So I tried it. Another half bushel of tomatoes at the roadside "van" near our house -  and I popped them in the oven for an hour and a half at 400, stem side down. I seasoned them well, added garlic, sweet banana peppers, and whatever kind of onion I had chopped up in the fridge. After roasting, i slipped the skins off and threw them in the blender with some of the liquid. I added that back in, cooked it a little more in the oven, then mashed by hand, cooled, and bagged for the freezer. I ended up with 6 quarts of fabulous tasting chunky sauce. So so much easier and much less mess than traditional sauce. We had the first of it on pizza tonight - I added a can of tomato paste to give it a little more form, and it was great.

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Amelia Bedelia

Our little Millie is growing up and changing so quickly! She definitely deserves her own cameo.

Here's a few photos from the past few weeks. 

This little girl of ours has a stubborn streak beyond belief. She's very expressive and will tell you generously if she likes, or dislikes her present circumstance.

She taunts her older sister but later gives her hugs. She throws her food on the floor during mealtime (sometimes dish and all), but after we get her down, she tries to retrieve and eat it. (no, we don't let her). I can't get enough of her curls, and she has the same crystal blue eyes as her sister. And this little girl is a huge snuggler; she is always ready for a shoulder to snuggle on.  She's been teething molars the past few weeks, so the pacifier has been a ready friend, as she chews on it for the most part instead of sucks.

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Recalculating.

II Cor 4:17-18

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

So this post has been a long time coming. I really wanted to begin writing about the mental transition of our move as soon as we arrived here, as a sort of therapy to help me get through the tough days inevitably ahead. Instead, each time I started to think about it, I got overwhelmed with all that we've seen, heard, and experienced since November, and my mind would shut down. I feel like the past year of my life can be summed up like a GPS when you take an abrupt departure from The Path. And the little voice says "recalculating" in a monotone.

So instead, you've read about the girls growing up, random happenings, and elk sightings. Which is all fine and well - in part it's been what's been going on. The other part includes a crisis of faith (which is still yet to be resolved completely), depression, physical overload, and learning about a love that patches all of the holes in our lives to make a family and a home.

We're still trying to wrap our minds around the people we were before and who we are now. There's a big gap between the two. And that might just be the way that it's going to be. I may never be able to explain what's happened this past year. We've had a paradigm shift. What was normal is now not. The way we defined things has completely changed. Our worldview has changed quite a bit.

Those who know me know that I don't do change very well. I do stability and consistency. I like things to stay the same for a Very Long Time. Changing me is a little bit like bending glass. Change too much, and I snap. So we had four different addresses since this time last year, And Snap I Did.

Like one of my favorite movie lines, "Do you ever feel like you're the worst version of yourself?" Why yes I have. I've Snapped At My Mom. I've Snapped At My Husband. At My Children. At My Sister. At My In Laws. And that makes me sad. Because it's wrong. I can't always change what happens in life, but I sure can change my attitude. So snap out of it already.

I've struggled with on and off depression throughout my life, usually at times of big changes, and this spring was sprinkled with quite a few dark weeks. While there are still many mornings I feel like I'm waking up in a dark fog, I'm definitely at the brighter end of the tunnel. Here's some of the bright spots:

• I love that I'm home. Big hooray. I'm spending so much more time with my kids than I ever dreamed, and it's great. I generally work in the afternoons still, but I have quite a few "visits" from the little people in our house doing crafts in my office during that time too.

• We have healthy kids. This is such a big deal, for real.

• Sam is such a kind and caring Dad and husband. Many wives don't get half the help I have.

• We truly love small town living. It's fun!

• Tuesday night pre-school pretty much makes my and the girls weeks.

• I'm making new friends, and slowly having (taking) more time to connect with old friends too.

• Our house is pretty much finished (remodeled from an old house with great bones, but in bad shape). While the remodeling process made me wonder if we should ever ever ever again take on something that large with kids and a certain timeframe, we are happy with the end results. We feel at home, and have more space to host gatherings - not to mention just a short 5 minute trip from town compared to 20 minutes where we were living previously.

I remind myself almost daily that yes, we wanted this. We brought all of this on ourselves, and don't regret it. But transition is part of the deal, like it or not, and I'm glad we're almost through.

I've really struggled with some of the Big Questions in life over the past few months; why some kids are born into such affluence and stability while others are born into a drug addiction they had no choice but to succumb to while they were still being knit together. Tiny precious babes who are born and immediately begin going through a hell of detox and withdrawl. And yet we all are created equal, and we are all equal in the love that God has for us; myself in the same line with the pillhead mom who poisons her unborn baby with her drugs. It's super humbling.

I've also struggled with the fact that we (Sam specifically) are seen as the hometown hero's just for moving back. While I'm Sam's biggest fan, I also see the other side of the story - I mean, here we are, back from Chicago, where we lived large and well. We intentionally moved here. But how about for the kids who didn't get out of their element and learn and experience new things and new perspectives? To them, we're just a spoiled family from up north who are coming back into their town. This is their life. They didn't have much choice in the matter; we did.

Along a similar vein, it took us a while to learn how to separate cultural and social issues from spiritual sin issues. I mean, hello - just because a person isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and uses poor grammar doesn't mean that they're a lesser person. And just because someone is smart and respected and sophisticated doesn't make them jump to the front of the line. I know that this is an inherent truth that our parents tried to instill in us from the beginning, but there are so many blurring of the lines here - for instance - everyone here smokes. For real - you can smoke in virtually all public places (coming from a wonderfully smoke-free city, this was a hard switch). I mean, the mayor smokes in his office here. It's just the way that it is. But honestly - smoking isn't really one of those "sin issues" any more than my getting a second bowl of ice cream is. It's an unhealthy habit that doesn't do a body good, and I think it's gross. But it's also a cultural thing. So I'm trying to learn to look the other way. (and hold my breath while moving my children to fresh air) The same thing for the moms who feed their babies soda from a bottle. Smart? Yes. Sin? If you can't tell, learning not to judge has been a struggle.

We've been angry at a lot of things since we moved. And that's been tough to work through; by nature we're not generally angry people. Angry at the welfare system that allows soda to be bought with food stamps that can then promptly be sold for drug money. Angry at the owners of the house that burned down this weekend (who burned their own house for insurance money). Angry at the banks for failing to prosecute them and continuing to set a bad example. Angry at the smoking policy in public places. Angry at guys who beat their wives. Angry at people who drive when they're high. Angry that people don't come to church. Angry at evangelical Christianity for cannibalizing each other over things like bible versions.

But anger doesn't provide benefit unless there's positive action that follows it.

But you know what? We can't take on every mountain. We're only one family, one couple who love Jesus, with a desire for change in our communities - like so many others throughout our nation. But what does that look like? THIS question has been the biggest struggle in our minds throughout this transition. The needs are so so very many. The workers so very few. We've questioned our original intent to move (for youth work) - should we opt instead for a marriage ministry? For neighborhood ministry? More community involvement? Educational focus since education is of such poor quality here? And about this whole "God's Will" bit. Does He even care exactly WHAT we do, so long as we're doing something, no matter where we are? In any case, we've established that the path isn't going to be lit with glow sticks.

Our good friend Bob told us before we moved "This whole 'move to Kentucky because we want to work with youth' thing kind of sounds like two kids that want to get married because they're in love". Yep. You were right. We're completely unequipped to deal with the things we're being confronted with.

And so we're getting some training in counseling, building on what Sam already took when we were up in Chicago. And we're learning a new dependency on each other, God, and our close family and friends who support us in this nutty endeavor. (Which yes, it truly is)

So there's my brain dump. It's been on my mind -and on my heart, for a while. It just took a while to get out. I will end with this - even in my darkest moments and hours that I become the cynic and skeptic, I know that there is a God. I can never deny that. And I'm praying that He'll give me a true and unblemished love for the people that we are here to serve.

" One can give without loving, but one cannot love without giving"

— Amy Carmichael

Elk sighting

On our way back from NY a few weeks back, I drove the last hour while Sam slept. No sooner had he fallen asleep when I start poking him in the passenger side and telling him that there's an elk standing on the side of the road. Huge antlers and all, just sticking his big ole head out over the guard rail, out, about 6 feet up. Sam was pretty groggy, and we were going about 65, and still, by the time he sat up and got his bearings, you could still clearly see the elk along the side of the road. It was that big. Hitting one of these would be like hitting a cow. It wouldn't go flying and just leave a dent in the car. I think the car would stop. Crazy. Anyone want to see an elk? Come visit us. Apparently they can be seen a little over a mile from us up in an old strip mine at dust. We'll take you.

Getting closer.

The bathroom is 100% done, and the kitchen is almost usable. The
upper cabinets are in as of Monday, and the sink goes in today.
Highlights of the kitchen:

- we are able to use a "rescued" 1950's sink that we found in the
basement - it has a 10 inch bowl on one side, an 8 inch on the other,
with a sliding top on it. Super fun!
- we were going to put in tile in the kitchen, since the flooring in
the kitchen didn't match the rest of the house, and appeared to be in
bad shape (completely unfinished heart pine flooring with a thick
layer of asbestos underneath linoleum tiles). We decided to go
natural and finish the existing wood, in effort to retain the
original feel of the home, and we're so happy we did. It finished
beautifully, and the spots that Sam patched in from elsewhere in the
house have a beautiful dark patina (near the sink).
- we found some 8 foot doors in the basement that we're going to use
between the kitchen and the "someday" office. They're beautiful. But
for now, we'll have plywood over the opening.
- skylights! They're all framed and drywalled, just need to place the
actual windows. I think that this will add a ton of light, and can't
wait for the day we cut them open and let the light shine through.

Now that I look at these photos and compare to what it looks like
now, I'm almost wishing we left the upper cabinets off of the wall
with the sink - it looks a lot more closed in with the cabinets. Oh
well - In another lifetime! We've learned things with every house.
Overall we're super stoked, and SO HAPPY TO BE MOVING IN. Can I just
say that we've been stretched to our limits with finishing the house,
getting ready to move, Sam pulling 12-16 hour days working on the
house, me working, and traveling? Something's gotta give. Thanking
God that the end is in sight and we're blessed with a beautiful,
homey home that we can make completely ours!

From the Kentucky Cam

We seriously need to start a blog specifically with photos of what we
see on a daily basis. I can't even begin to number the times I've
gone "drat! If only I had a camera in my back pocket!" I need to
start carrying one everywhere.

From the KY cam this weekend if we had photos to share. We'll just
pretend.
- A pickup with two kids in the back on highway 421, one of them
playing his guitar en-route. Awesome. (hick or country chic? Chic.
They looked like they were having a blast.)
- A bare-backed dirtbike rider also on highway 421 (hick or country
chic? Hick. Just ewe, really.)

- From the phone lines - while calling around to get family based
resources here in Leslie County - I was rushed off the phone by one
organization because she was "trying to win $1,000 on a local radio
station and - oh! They're at number 98!". Dial tone while someone on
the other line was trying to call in... Really? Really?! Someone
wants to write up your organization in a resource guide, and all you
can think about is the missed opportunity to win $1000. wow.

And that's the news here from Southeast Kentucky. Oh - and we're
almost ready to move into our house! The floors look great, and the
appliances come in the next week or two (Thanks Josh!).

Miss Millie

Here's a few pictures of our little honey in a quick shoot I did a
few weeks ago after a bath. She's changed so much even from then,
it's unbelievable.

The flood

I can't believe that I only posted once in April. Yes, we were busy,
but it's just shameful.
Here's some pics of an early morning jaunt on a four wheeler when it
was flooded.
The river's gone down now, and to give you some perspective, the
bridge that's flooded here, now has a 15-20 foot drop to the river
below.

Kids Club

Tuesday nights are the highlight of my week. We go to a kids club at
the local presbyterian church in town, where a group of moms bring
their kiddos for storytime/crafts/dinner, and pretty much pre-school
with the beloved, very patient, Miss Dana. Dana goes over the sounds
that letters make, counting, and always reads a fun story too. Today
everyone was having melt-downs, us included, and I almost asked Miss
Dana to just skip crafts, sing a song and let us all go home for
baths and bed. But one song turned into three, and before you know
it, an hour and a half had passed and we were happy we stayed for the
whole thing.

I've met a few really great moms to connect with through kids club,
and I'm very thankful that it's now part of our weekly routine.
Millie has fun tooting around while the other kids sit quietly. She's
a little young for it, but a great distraction for the rest of the
kids...

Photos of our new house

Yes, we've been promising and not delivering. Here's some photos of
our new house. The kitchen is going to be coming together in big ways
over the next two days. They finished the electric today, drywall and
taping are happening tonight, and cabinets are going in later this
week. The rest of it is in great shape. They finished the replacement
windows in the livingroom and bathroom today, and the livingroom will
be trimmed/painted by tomorrow. The goal is to get out of that room
so the hardwood can be finished along with the rest of the house. The
upstairs is final sanded, the downstairs is rough sanded, and they're
going to be tinting/poly-ing it next week while I'm in chi-land, and
Sam's on a "Staycation" with the girls.

Here's a quick recap of the house for you, room by room.

Upstairs - pink room is Lydia/Amelia's room. There's a linen closet
and a bathroom in the hallway; we're ignoring the bathroom for now
and will deal with it another day once we're moved in!
The green room is our playroom/craft room/multi-purpose room
(including guest room) until the office is finished downstairs (off
of the kitchen), and the current office can be turned into a guest room.

Downstairs - (don't you love the staircase? I think it's beautiful.
Livingroom is right off of the staircase, with an opening into the
kitchen/diningroom, and to the hallway where the bedrooms live.
The blue room is our bedroom
The very light green room is the current office until the one off the
kitchen is completed.
The bathroom is in really rough shape right now, but will all start
coming together when we put the beadboard up and get the tile
grouted. The vanity is a stand-alone, currently in our upstairs
"storage bathroom", so we just need to pull it out and hook it up.

The windows throughout the house are metal and in pretty bad shape,
but we're replacing them as we can - we started with the worst ones,
and any walls that we'd be re-drywalling before we moved in. The rest
will be a few a season until they're done. At least they open and
have screens!

The future office you can slightly see off of the kitchen. It's an
old porch that was converted into an inside room, which we then
proceeded to tear apart since it was done incorrectly and had a bunch
of water damage. The good news is that there's beautiful rafters
(think 2/3 inch wide planks) and a cathedral ceiling in it. We're
going to paint it all white, and finish it up to be a loft-like
little oasis, in a perfect location right off the kitchen so I can
take breaks in the afternoon and throw dinner together.

Enjoy the pics!

Easter and drama.

A big long truck with a flatbed trailer carrying a backhoe got stuck
at the bridge at the bottom of our driveway/road today. Everyone was
out on their porches and on 4-wheelers checking out the action. It
felt like community. Hah.

So you cross the bridge and the road immediately t's left and right.
Well, the truck was too long, and the radius of the curve, too tight.
So the took the backhoe off of the trailer, and attempted to lift the
trailer up with the backhoe hook, then pulling the truck around the
corner. I don't think they succeeded, but instead just found a way to
back it onto the bridge. It was a lot of ado about not very much, but
it was pretty exciting nonetheless. (smile!)

We had a great Easter with family in from Chicago- Mike and Lisa and
Sonya got in on Wednesday evening and stayed until this morning! A
great long visit that included late nights playing 3 person Mario on
the Wii, starting the process of painting the interior of our house,
getting all the plumbing completed, lots of meals together, a movie
night in the church with UP on the big-screen with bose sound, an
easter egg hunt, celebrating Christ's resurrection together in
church, and lots of cousin time. Lizzie actually came back with Sam
last Sunday and stayed with us until her parents came on Wed. So for
a few nights we had a glimpse of what our life COULD look like in a
few years, should things go that way. Lizzie is 5, so we could very
realistically at some point have a 5 year old, 3 year old, and one
year old... It's busy! But we loved it.

The weather couldn't have cooperated more. We had multiple days in
the high 80s with cool evenings. Beautiful! Although I must admit
that I'm a little nervous about how hot this summer could look!

Over and out for tonight, but wanted to give you a tiny glimpse of
our holiday together.

our happy rooms.

So, I chose something so like me, and so unlike me, all at the same
time. In our last home, we chose what we liked for colors, but also
with the lurking thought of resale in the back of our heads. This
time around, it's what we want and how we want our home to function.

We have three rooms upstairs - a big big bedroom, a medium bedroom,
and a bathroom. The large bedroom is going to be a guest room slash
project room slash music room. I want it to be fun and creative. I
want it to be green. Lydia's, I want to be sweet like sorbet. So
here's what we're doing.

The hallway leading downstairs will be a neutral that transitions the
colors into the more muted naturals of our main living areas.

What do you think?